Constipatus
Originally posted on my other blog page - http://r-sharma.sulekha.com/blog/posts.htm
ConstipatusPardon me for using a medical sounding term. I am not a doctor.
The purpose of this essay is actually to help analyze the connotation of the word, Constipatus. It is a Latin word meaning any of the following – tightly packed, surrounded, crammed and so on. Derived from Constipatus are the following modern day variations - Constipate, Constipated and Constipation. They all mean the same thing, i.e., to cause or become slow moving, sluggish or immobilized.
Just in case you arrived here aching to find a quick remedy to cure this common restrictive affliction, please stop pleading plaintively. I have nothing to offer you other than some steamed spinach and broccoli, tossed together in butter, with a sprinkle of salt and pepper on top. This concoction should relieve you fast enough. But please do not over do it. A laxative as powerful as this is not at all relaxing! It could flush off or choke up your Sunday (or any other day) by making you do the loop di loo! This ceaseless motion could cause dehydration. So, prune juice may be a better option. Of course, those with good plumbing have nothing to worry.
The word ‘constipation’ is actually a powerhouse packed with meaning that has great depth and content.
I said, ‘the word’ has great depth and content! Gosh, and I thought you were relieved!
The versatile word ‘constipated’ also has many practical uses. This word has unnecessarily received a bum rap through the ages. Restrictive usage of this term in polite company has obstructed the true essence and aroma of such a complex word to come through.
So let’s loosen up a little, shall we? Let us re-evaluate this word by letting go of all inhibitions.
People can get constipated in multitude of everyday situations. For example, you can get constipated for words when pushed into a corner or under the spotlight such as, during a tough interview, a debate or a speech. If unprepared, erroneous and confusing sounds expelled by you, in place of meaningful words or phrases, may cause your audience to hold its breath or grimace. Harder the topic of discussion, the tougher is your pain. You may even experience abdominal cramps and stiffness during competitive examinations. Just ‘re-lax’ and try again. You may resonate better!
A rich vocabulary may be just the fiber you need to excrete excellent speeches. Pardon the pun. My goodness, where are my manners?
This was completely unintentional and uncalled for. From here on, I shall use related words more carefully. If words are like fiber, then George Bush is a prime example of someone who is perpetually constipated. He is not exactly known for mincing words. In fact, he has a habit of chopping them into chunks and tossing them into southern talk soup. His (verbal) constipation starts the minute his teleprompter is turned off. What follows is a series of ill-timed, purpose-less, murmuring vowels that can cause the White House Press Corps to press harder, right from their seats. Laxness in usage of bowels…I meant to say vowels, impedes language fluency. But being the leader of a super power, Mr. Bush somehow always manages to push forth his constructive agendas with destructive force.
Without practice, even knowledge and expression can get constipated. Practice makes things work smoothly, just like a well-oiled machine. But this is not an easy task for the elderly who may stall...for words. In this regard, let me narrate a story from my childhood. A 90 year-old priest used to assist my father in performing my grandmother’s death anniversary rites for many years. Being the only priest in town, he was in great demand. Wearing his Dhoti and nothing else, he was an interesting character for curious kids to watch. At that age, he was still an expert in gastronomy but remembered very little of Astrology. Positioning of Mars was marred by his foggy memory, but Uranus probably rang a bell. So, commencing the Thithi with fluent incantations of date, time and place was a slow and laborious process. For those of us sitting in close proximity, waiting for him to regurgitate sensible sounds (from the right orifice) was a suffocating experience. To add to the problem, my parents always made him sit on a hard wooden board with rough edges. His recurrent and repetitious utterances were merciless and unfailing. The thin Dhoti did not have enough fibers to offer him any posterior comfort or to muffle unwanted intonations. Being a hunchback, he would stoop very low...to read. Deafness was an added impediment, since he could not hear his own unrestricted non-harmonious tones. During his excruciatingly slow prayer to the gods above to bestow peace and tranquility to the dear departed soul, we could see him convulsing with every Sanskrit word. Loss of memory and lack of motion for next three hours used to make the old man cranky. He couldn’t wait to get out of that constricted posture and start indulging in my mom’s special delectable delights made of…you guessed it, white lentils.
People can have constipated looks on their faces. It can happen to you when your formal attire constricts your throat, preventing you from occasionally gasping for oxygen under those tight situations. Those of us in America are familiar with the Nightly News on NBC. Tom Brokaw was the main anchor for many years. A man with deep-throated guttural voice, he was a formidable act to follow in the news business. He could blast out at least 15 words, non-stop, without taking a breath. Succeeding him is the talented Brian Williams who has tried to emulate his mentor during the breathless evening newscast. But belching out 15 words in the same deep voice while wearing a tightly wound tie around his neck, hasn’t been easy for poor Brian. You can tell that he has to take a breath urgently when his face turns red and his lungs have just expelled the last word with a snort. Discerning TV viewers can always empathize with stiff news anchors. It is a tough job anchoring in front of millions without taking a break, even when they are constipated…for words, I mean.
Constipation is built into the human constitution, leading to bureaucratic red tape by slowing down certain functions. For example, one can have a constipated gait! Bipedal locomotion comes in many frequencies. A constipated gait becomes highly visible at higher frequencies of footsteps. It is the act of taking shorter and smaller steps in quick succession. Unfortunately, you cannot cover a whole lot of distance with this kind of walking. Irregularity in motion is not a pretty sight!
Take US Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice’s style of marching down the tarmac. Her stiff and hindered gait gives us the wrong impression that she is in a rush all the time, especially while attending to important governmental duties. But her diplomatic track record proves otherwise. A lady of such power and stature has nothing to worry because constipated gait can be caused by muscle spasms…in the legs. A cushioned stool might give her some relief.
Traffic jams in Los Angeles and Bangalore can be prime examples of ambulating constipation. Clogged freeways, narrow byways and choked up tunnels can be hazardous to health. Tempers can flare leading again to constriction of airways, thereby making even the prettiest faces look hopelessly constipated. A verbal duet from vehicle windows only adds fuel to fiery outbursts. On the positive side, this slow motion can be a benefit to smart drivers. The gridlock gives enough time for crafty drivers to jump out of their vehicles, relieve themselves after a short walk, and jump back into their stationary vehicles, without ever losing control!
So, as you can see, constipation is actually a profound and sensible word that is not devoid of all juices. It has enough potential (energy) to gain momentum, on its own accord, through regular usage by English speakers around the world. Laxness is just the fiber needed to pull a succinct word such as constipation out of its meaningless confinement and release it out into nature for all to relish.
The purpose of this essay is actually to help analyze the connotation of the word, Constipatus. It is a Latin word meaning any of the following – tightly packed, surrounded, crammed and so on. Derived from Constipatus are the following modern day variations - Constipate, Constipated and Constipation. They all mean the same thing, i.e., to cause or become slow moving, sluggish or immobilized.
Just in case you arrived here aching to find a quick remedy to cure this common restrictive affliction, please stop pleading plaintively. I have nothing to offer you other than some steamed spinach and broccoli, tossed together in butter, with a sprinkle of salt and pepper on top. This concoction should relieve you fast enough. But please do not over do it. A laxative as powerful as this is not at all relaxing! It could flush off or choke up your Sunday (or any other day) by making you do the loop di loo! This ceaseless motion could cause dehydration. So, prune juice may be a better option. Of course, those with good plumbing have nothing to worry.
The word ‘constipation’ is actually a powerhouse packed with meaning that has great depth and content.
I said, ‘the word’ has great depth and content! Gosh, and I thought you were relieved!
The versatile word ‘constipated’ also has many practical uses. This word has unnecessarily received a bum rap through the ages. Restrictive usage of this term in polite company has obstructed the true essence and aroma of such a complex word to come through.
So let’s loosen up a little, shall we? Let us re-evaluate this word by letting go of all inhibitions.
People can get constipated in multitude of everyday situations. For example, you can get constipated for words when pushed into a corner or under the spotlight such as, during a tough interview, a debate or a speech. If unprepared, erroneous and confusing sounds expelled by you, in place of meaningful words or phrases, may cause your audience to hold its breath or grimace. Harder the topic of discussion, the tougher is your pain. You may even experience abdominal cramps and stiffness during competitive examinations. Just ‘re-lax’ and try again. You may resonate better!
A rich vocabulary may be just the fiber you need to excrete excellent speeches. Pardon the pun. My goodness, where are my manners?
This was completely unintentional and uncalled for. From here on, I shall use related words more carefully. If words are like fiber, then George Bush is a prime example of someone who is perpetually constipated. He is not exactly known for mincing words. In fact, he has a habit of chopping them into chunks and tossing them into southern talk soup. His (verbal) constipation starts the minute his teleprompter is turned off. What follows is a series of ill-timed, purpose-less, murmuring vowels that can cause the White House Press Corps to press harder, right from their seats. Laxness in usage of bowels…I meant to say vowels, impedes language fluency. But being the leader of a super power, Mr. Bush somehow always manages to push forth his constructive agendas with destructive force.
Without practice, even knowledge and expression can get constipated. Practice makes things work smoothly, just like a well-oiled machine. But this is not an easy task for the elderly who may stall...for words. In this regard, let me narrate a story from my childhood. A 90 year-old priest used to assist my father in performing my grandmother’s death anniversary rites for many years. Being the only priest in town, he was in great demand. Wearing his Dhoti and nothing else, he was an interesting character for curious kids to watch. At that age, he was still an expert in gastronomy but remembered very little of Astrology. Positioning of Mars was marred by his foggy memory, but Uranus probably rang a bell. So, commencing the Thithi with fluent incantations of date, time and place was a slow and laborious process. For those of us sitting in close proximity, waiting for him to regurgitate sensible sounds (from the right orifice) was a suffocating experience. To add to the problem, my parents always made him sit on a hard wooden board with rough edges. His recurrent and repetitious utterances were merciless and unfailing. The thin Dhoti did not have enough fibers to offer him any posterior comfort or to muffle unwanted intonations. Being a hunchback, he would stoop very low...to read. Deafness was an added impediment, since he could not hear his own unrestricted non-harmonious tones. During his excruciatingly slow prayer to the gods above to bestow peace and tranquility to the dear departed soul, we could see him convulsing with every Sanskrit word. Loss of memory and lack of motion for next three hours used to make the old man cranky. He couldn’t wait to get out of that constricted posture and start indulging in my mom’s special delectable delights made of…you guessed it, white lentils.
People can have constipated looks on their faces. It can happen to you when your formal attire constricts your throat, preventing you from occasionally gasping for oxygen under those tight situations. Those of us in America are familiar with the Nightly News on NBC. Tom Brokaw was the main anchor for many years. A man with deep-throated guttural voice, he was a formidable act to follow in the news business. He could blast out at least 15 words, non-stop, without taking a breath. Succeeding him is the talented Brian Williams who has tried to emulate his mentor during the breathless evening newscast. But belching out 15 words in the same deep voice while wearing a tightly wound tie around his neck, hasn’t been easy for poor Brian. You can tell that he has to take a breath urgently when his face turns red and his lungs have just expelled the last word with a snort. Discerning TV viewers can always empathize with stiff news anchors. It is a tough job anchoring in front of millions without taking a break, even when they are constipated…for words, I mean.
Constipation is built into the human constitution, leading to bureaucratic red tape by slowing down certain functions. For example, one can have a constipated gait! Bipedal locomotion comes in many frequencies. A constipated gait becomes highly visible at higher frequencies of footsteps. It is the act of taking shorter and smaller steps in quick succession. Unfortunately, you cannot cover a whole lot of distance with this kind of walking. Irregularity in motion is not a pretty sight!
Take US Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice’s style of marching down the tarmac. Her stiff and hindered gait gives us the wrong impression that she is in a rush all the time, especially while attending to important governmental duties. But her diplomatic track record proves otherwise. A lady of such power and stature has nothing to worry because constipated gait can be caused by muscle spasms…in the legs. A cushioned stool might give her some relief.
Traffic jams in Los Angeles and Bangalore can be prime examples of ambulating constipation. Clogged freeways, narrow byways and choked up tunnels can be hazardous to health. Tempers can flare leading again to constriction of airways, thereby making even the prettiest faces look hopelessly constipated. A verbal duet from vehicle windows only adds fuel to fiery outbursts. On the positive side, this slow motion can be a benefit to smart drivers. The gridlock gives enough time for crafty drivers to jump out of their vehicles, relieve themselves after a short walk, and jump back into their stationary vehicles, without ever losing control!
So, as you can see, constipation is actually a profound and sensible word that is not devoid of all juices. It has enough potential (energy) to gain momentum, on its own accord, through regular usage by English speakers around the world. Laxness is just the fiber needed to pull a succinct word such as constipation out of its meaningless confinement and release it out into nature for all to relish.
Hail Constipatus!
Copyright © 2007 Ranjini Sharma All Rights Reserved
Labels: Brian Williams constipated look, Condaleeza Rice's gait, constipated for words, constipation, Constipatus, diarrhea, ranjini sharma
posted by Ranjini Sharma @ 3:58 PM
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