My first attempt at poetry came during a commentary!

My first attempt at poetry came during a commentary!

This poem was originally published by a blogger named Ajeesh at a different blog site. Comments directed to this blogger brought out a flurry of poets, including budding ones like yours truly. Please see comments posted after this following poem by Ajeesh-

Legacy of a mom

A ballad showcasing the trauma that a Mom has gone through !

A ballad showcasing the trauma that a Mom has gone through !

Thou pretty daughter,

So tender and delicate,

Fed and nurtured with care,

Resembled a sculpture,

Carved out of a stone,

By thou own hands.

She, she is the legacy of a mom.

Thy pretty daughter,

Married off to a doctor,

Renowned by his fame,

Showered her with red roses,

The symbol of love.

Later she puked.

Thou pretty daughter,

Carried for nine months,

To find her sibling,

With crippled legs

And an insane mind.

Carved out of a stone,

By thou own hands,

She, she is the legacy of a mom.

Furious and callous,

The doctor failed.

Thou pretty daughter,

Back home she sailed.

Struck by misery,

Time failed to heal the wound.

Thou pretty daughter,

So tender and delicate,

Trembled to death.

Thou pretty daughter,

With crippled legs

And an insane mind,

Survives still, for

She, she is the legacy of a mom.
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All comments (in poetry too) are posted below:
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R-Sharma comments: on 12 Jul 07 11:38:00 AM

Hello Ajeesh,
Sad story, but nice poetry.
Regarding the line "To find her sibling,".....
Did you mean to say 'infant' instead of sibling? I am assuming, you were talking about the daughter's child. Or may be I am wrong.
Shows our mentality towards disabled.
R-Sharma
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Pratishtha Shrotriya comments: on 12 Jul 07 12:37:00 PM

Yo Ajeesh! Great poem...though I too was wondering if you meant infant. Coz if you really did mean sibling...then this poem takes darker proportions than it shows on the surface.

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Vijaianand comments: on 12 Jul 07 12:39:00 PM

Ajeesh,

Sad on!! but its well written. Bit confused at the middle..

Good try!!

VIJAI
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Sainiput comments: on 12 Jul 07 12:58:00 PM

Why should the blame come to the mom?

When scientifically the bloody doctor deserves the scorn.

As you know the mom was only the fertile earth.

Which helped the doctor's seed to take the human birth.

As you sow, so shall you reap, they say.

But in this case, blaming the mom the seedy doctor slipped away.

Actually it is a pity in this man-dominated sociiety.

That the woman suffers silently for his misdeeds of every variety.

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R-Sharma comments: on 12 Jul 07 13:12:00 PM

Hey, Sainiput
Excellent!
Boy oh boy what poetry you weave,
When once you start to conceive!
Mom is not to blame, I agree,
But her baby had nowhere to flee.
She let her baby lie,
Only to go home and die!
Doctor Daddy is a scum-ball,
And he should be moth-balled!
R-Sharma
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supriyad comments: on 12 Jul 07 13:38:00 PM

WOW! That was neat --- and dark around the edges... I could sense dripping sarcasm - or was I imagining things?
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silvyscorner comments: on 12 Jul 07 13:13:00 PM

ajeesh, a good poetry; u must have tried hard to express your thoughts. Keep trying, you may become a fine poet one day. Silvia

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abhadra comments: on 12 Jul 07 13:44:00 PM

i thought there is a confusion between the thou and the thy. would have appreciated simple day-to-day modern English more than the forced poetic style.

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R-Sharma comments: on 12 Jul 07 14:29:00 PM

Thou, Thy, Infant or Sibling,
Writing poetry sure is refreshing!

It is already hard being concise,
Please do not ask Ajeesh to also be precise!

I always thought, poetry was beyond me,
Ajeesh has forced some from within me.

Oh, why do we blog with so many words,
When poetry takes fewer words?
Yeah, I know, that did not come out right,
But who cares, at least I tried!

Go on try it yourself, you will see,
Coming up with rhyming words can make you queasy!

My computer crashed right in the middle of this poem,
It made me so mad, I started to squirm.

But no, I refused to accept defeat,
I ran upstairs to try the same feat.
This time I used trusty NotePad
Along with the Thesaurus I already had.

Unfortunately, I forgot what I wanted to say,
But I will save that for another day.

Thanks Ajeesh for allowing us to comment,
Poets should have no reason to lament.

Got a lot to do, so I better run,
Writing poetry sure has been fun!
R-Sharma