The Vanity-less Bag

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The Vanity-less Bag

Dec 11 2008

They call it the 'Vanity Bag'!
Vanity?
What vanity?

There is no such thing as vanity in a bag! Have you looked inside my bag lately? It looks like a badly mismanaged Federal Food Program in there! The term “Vanity Bag” is such a trumped-up misnomer! The world would be a better place if only we could trap vanity within the narrow confines of a bag. Since my bags are filled to capacity with indispensable lifesavers, my drooping shoulders unceremoniously dropped Miss Vanity by the wayside! If I am stranded on a snowy mountain, I am confident that my handbag (minus vanity) could help me survive for days with enough sustenance to keep me nourished until help arrives!

Like many women, I have accumulated handbags of all shapes and sizes over the years. No matter what the occasion, there is a bag or purse exclusively dedicated for it. In spite of it, I always end up carrying ‘purses’ that resemble overstuffed airline duffle bags! I am perplexed when I see a petite woman trotting on the sidewalk wearing stilettos, carrying a tiny trendy handbag that looks more like a man’s wallet with straps! I would feel naked holding such a tiny thing next to my body! What could she possibly be carrying in that insignificant pouch? She might be able to pull out money or lipstick on a whim, but isn’t there a loftier purpose to women blessed with bulky bags? If she were like me, she would be setting aside one entire weekend organizing her bag like the Red Cross preparing for a major disaster relief! Never mind that it takes eternity to excavate the appropriate gear from the depths of the knapsack. It is the thought that counts. Isn’t it the job of a devoted wife and mother to make sure that her family never runs out of essential accouterments, even if the family was on its way to visit good old Grandma living across the street?

Last month, I was strolling around town like a camel lugging its sack in some Moroccan marketplace. A straw has to break the camel’s back sometime! Just as I shoved my hand into my bag to extract my sunglasses, the strap snapped into two and plop fell my purse on the sidewalk! It was very embarrassing when four pedestrians struggled to gather and re-stuff my belongings back into my purse. It felt like the birthing process in reverse gear! I tried to pretend that this baby did not belong to me, but it was too late. There were smirks all around me!

It was time to return some sanity into my vanity!

The Handbag handicap

I came back home to reassess my handbag and take inventory. As I started unpacking, the following items mysteriously appeared from the bottomless abyss of that purse. Along with the quintessential things that every woman should carry, I had a few extra things.

Each item below had a noble purpose when they were originally packed and I had a perfectly good defense for each one of them:

* Tissues – 2o sheets: A leaky nose rarely waits! It may take three full minutes to pull out one partially torn tissue, but it sure brings relief to a red nose in an instant.

* Sturdy paper towels – 10 sheets: For hubby whose nose just can’t stand flimsy tissues.

* A quarter pound Chewing gum and extra strength Peppermint: Absolutely cardinal for those times when we are compelled to sit through an entire Christmas concert, listening to Jingle Bells and Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer for the 10,000^th time! Keeps us awake and prevents bad breath, supposedly. Hard to tell, since our busy mouths never seem to rest long enough to accumulate bad breath!

* Combs and brushes: Needed urgently on concert days when my son dressed in black tuxedo with bow tie and cummerbund suddenly realizes in the car that his hair resembles the husk of a dehydrated coconut!

* Foldable umbrella, three sets of scarves/mufflers and gloves: A well-packed bag should be a small world with a self-contained climate control system. You never know what kind of weather is awaiting you outside. You may never find what you need when you are drenched in sleet, but it is comforting and cozy to know that you have protective gear in there…somewhere.

* Shopping lists: For a self-proclaimed list freak, I have a list for every activity known to humanity! I pulled out 16 shopping lists dating all the way from February 1996 to October 2008! Nearly all the lists had “Buy Foldable Umbrella” in them!

* Handwritten telephone book: I have neatly listed at least 55 names of friends and family, however distant. This is very important just in case I lose my way while driving back home from my regular grocery store. Cousin Subbu sitting in San Jose may not exactly be able to guide me through Portland’s streets (some 600 miles away), but he can surely call our mutual friend Sara residing in San Francisco, who has my husband’s work number written in her diary. She could send a SRS (Save Ranjini’s Soul) to hubby, who could then guide me through my cell phone. Why not call my husband directly, you ask? I think I forgot to jot down his number!

* Cell Phone: Darned thing! Finally found it after all these days! It was deeply entrenched between my wallet and flashlight! I had heard it ringing periodically, especially when I was lost on the streets of Portland, but I was never able to locate it! The batteries are probably dead by now.

* Alcoholic wipes: Greatest invention since sliced bread! About the size of a handkerchief, it can be used to wipe hands, eyeglasses and the windshield, in that particular order (reverse could be unhygienic, since windshields usually have squished dead bugs sticking to them). I had an entire packet of 100 wipes, unopened! No one had asked for it in all these years! We had managed to devour plenty of peanut butter jelly sandwiches without ever wiping our stained hands, and survived to lead healthy lives. But I never left home without them. Speaking of sandwiches……

* Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches: You never know when hypoglycemia may strike! These days, I carry three pairs of these nutritious sandwiches wrapped in aluminum foil. I rarely have a problem finding snacks in my bag!

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Sadly, there were too many goodies to let go, but my mind was made up! I decided to forfeit all my belongings along with the overstretched handbag which was already bursting at the seams. In its place, I chose a dainty little pouch to hold a wallet, one tissue, a cell phone, and nothing more! I was even able to carry the ensemble on one fingertip and do the catwalk successfully! What a relief it was for frail shoulders which had developed calluses after years of abuse. No one would miss all the junk… right?

Last Sunday, we set out for a city tour in our family van. Just as we approached the very first traffic light, Mr. Microprocessor (hubby, i.e.) realized that his glasses needed cleaning!

Mr. MP: Can you pass one alcoholic wipe?

Mrs: What alcoholic wipe?

Mr. MP: You know….that box of wipes you have in your purse.

Mrs: Oh that one! Well, I do not carry that merchandise any more! They never worked very well anyway.

Mr. MP: What’s there to work? They are plain alcoholic wipes!

Mrs: But my Dad never needed them for his glasses! He just used the ends of his Dhothi, and kept them spic and span!

Mr. MP: Well…since I can’t reach the ends of your Dad’s Dhothi, what am I supposed to do now?

Mrs: Use the insides of your sleeves. They work just fine, if not better! Here…hand me the glasses. I will clean them with my sleeves.

Mr. MP: Hurry up…the light has turned green!

From the backseat…

Son: I am hungry!

Mom: But we left home just 2 minutes ago!

Son: Just hand me that peanut butter sandwich from your handbag, that’s all I ask!

Mom: I do not carry that brand of sandwiches anymore!

Son: What do you mean by brand? They are just plain PB & J!

Mom: Grrrrrr! That’s it! Turn the van back home! I’ve got some serious packing to do!