RELEASE THAT SQUIRREL!

Originally posted on my other blog page - http://r-sharma.sulekha.com/blog/posts.htm

RELEASE THAT SQUIRREL!

As I had narrated in my previous blog – NEW HOME, OLD DWELLERS, it had been three full days since that unfortunate adolescent squirrel had fallen through an attic space of our new home, and lodged himself between two dry-walls right near our living room. It could have been a female squirrel for that matter; not that establishing gender has any extra benefit during a life or death situation. As I had also mentioned, I was planning to use a tried and proven method called ‘nagging’ to persuade my dear husband Mr. Micro Processor to drill a hole through the wall of our newly purchased home. The squirrel’s life was ebbing away, and I had to hasten the nagging process.

On the morning of the fourth day, I woke up early and started needling Mr. MP even before he got off the bed. “Here we are nice and cozy. I wonder what the temperature is between two gypsum sheets.”

Mr. MP pulled his two bed sheets a little closer to his face, staying clear from the topic. He even managed to produce a delicate audible snore, as if that was going to shut me up. Not being sure if he was really sleeping, I started making some sharp high-pitched chirpy sounds with my tongue.  Noises like “tsk-tsk” and “chee-chee” have been proven to jar awake even a rock! They have the same annoying effects of a leaky faucet. Mr. MP however did not stir.

So I gave up pestering, just as any good wife should, and proceeded downstairs to check on the squirrel’s condition. I put my ear on the wall and heard a very weak stir! This was good news because I had one more day to work on securing his freedom! I had the confidence that my badgering would have its desired effects by the end of the day.

As I was making coffee, Mr. MP took his usual seat in front of his laptop. I attempted a little early morning spirituality, hoping it would percolate along with my coffee.

“The Bhagwat Gita talks about feeding the hungry before feeding yourself,” I said, trying to use subtle guilt inducing techniques without making direct references to a certain famished squirrel.

On one of his rare moments, Mr. MP actually lifted his face away from the laptop and responded, “The Bhagawat Gita says no such thing! That reminds me, since I am the Hungry One, what’s cooking for breakfast?”

During and after breakfast, I continued my attempts to keep the lines of diplomacy open by quoting random verses from Hinduism and Buddhism to promote animism and existentialism, not that I understood what I was talking! If the squirrel had been listening to our conversation, I am sure he would have sniveled in self-pity.

Another hour of relentless lectures continued.

“Alright, let’s do it,” declared Mr. MP suddenly to my surprise! He was actually listening to my senseless jabber all along, which was in stark contrast to all of those other times in the past when some of my real nuggets of wisdom went completely unheard. He did not seem the least bit annoyed! As I have said before, he had it in his heart to help annoying critters. He just needed a gentle reminder from a thoughtful wife. I was glad to be of assistance.

Anyway, not wanting to waste precious moments, I quickly provided MP with an array of kitchen knives for carving the hole through the dry wall. However, like a true engineer, he decided to go for a plain box cutter and my favorite Dosai spatula to get the drilling going. Along with these two essential tools, he also wanted me to keep my multipurpose back-scratcher ready, just in case plan one failed.

Being married for twenty years has its advantages – a very understanding and cooperative wife who knows exactly what her husband intends to do with the odd assemblage of thingamajigs - no questions asked!

By now, there was no discernable noise from the squirrel. Not sure about the final outcome, we marked a spot on the wall where we assumed the squirrel had lodged himself. A few skillful strokes with his muscular arms were all it took for MP to cut open a square piece of wall. Sadly, three inches by three inches was too small to determine the animal’s exact location. “Get me your handy-dandy make-up mirror,” ordered Mr. MP with a confidence worthy of NASA’s attention. I handed him my tiny foldable cosmetics mirror, which squeezed conveniently through the hole. It was pitch dark inside, and so MP used a flashlight to reflect off the mirror into the sanctum sanctorum of the foyer wall.

A couple of feet above our hole, Mr. MP spotted a long furry tail! It was lifeless and helpless, mainly because help was being attempted at the wrong place too! As we had suspected all along, this squirrel was hell bent on forcing us to drill at least one more hole into the wall. Mr. MP marked off approximate coordinates for his second hole, which was very close to the squirrel’s current position. After removing the second sliced piece of the wall, he pushed my mirror and his flashlight inside. A few inches above us, he clearly saw the squirrel perched on a half nibbled electric wire like an acrobat from cirque du soleil! It was not moving! Mr. MP was not sure if it was dead, and so he asked me to take a closer look.

If you remember from my previous blog (you would if you took notes), I had described the photo of another dead squirrel posted on a website. It was skinny and dirty with white paint powder covering its body due to its failed excavation attempts. That was the image I had in my mind. 

I sat close to the mirror, wearing my reading glasses, to improve my chances of seeing this lost soul for whom I had spent the last several hours snarling at my dear husband.

Something did not fit the scene! Yes, the squirrel was perched on the wire motionless. But he seemed clean – a little too clean, if you ask me!

His eyes were wide open, which is not abnormal after death. I have seen a few dead humans who forgot to close their own eyes before dying. They needed someone else to close their eyes for them. This poor critter had no one to assist!

He never blinked, although I was not particularly sure if squirrels even blinked.

Strangely though, his eyes were glistening! This was unexpected of dead animals, since I had witnessed my own pet rabbit’s death a few years ago, and it had no gleam in its eyes whatsoever.

He had a cute pink button for a nose, and facial features that would make any mother proud!

Upon closer examination, I also noticed that the squirrel’s fur was well groomed - the kind of grooming that takes several hours for my cat Poppy to achieve…and God knows this squirrel had all those hours for himself!

Apart from all of the above indications of being a well-cared-for, well-groomed, twinkly-eyed squirrel, he still seemed as dead as a doornail.

No squirrel I know prepares to meet his Creator with such careful preparation, especially after going through starvation and dehydration! God never asked for a dead squirrel to present himself at St. Peter’s heavenly gate, with all of his fur neatly aligned in one direction. All reports indicate that Vaikunta also does not insist on good looks to secure entrance tickets, assuming that my proselytizing from outside the gypsum had convinced this squirrel to convert to Hinduism!

My conclusions based simply on the grooming aspect – THIS SQUIRREL WAS ALIVE! Nano Processor (my son i.e.) seconded my suspicions.

So Mr. Micro Processor decided to do one final test. He called it the ‘Tummy Scratching With Back Scratcher’ test. He pushed my back scratcher through the hole and gently teased the fur on the squirrel’s tummy.

That’s all it took!

With one giant leap for life, the squirrel jumped downwards and hopped out of the first hole instead of the second one! With huge wobbly strides, he scampered into the dining room searching for an outlet. The Processor family broke into jubilant celebration, clapping and congratulating each other, even as the poor animal was searching for the outdoors. He was definitely tired and weak from his 3-day ordeal, but the zeal to live had not escaped him.

As soon as we opened the front door, off he dashed into the woods, swearing to himself never again to fall through the attic of the Processor family! They would not let him die peacefully, and on top of that, he was forced to endure three days of nonstop philosophical gibberish from his nagging wife, Mrs. Mini Processor!

Being left with two holes right at the entrance to our home, we decided to leave them open, just in case any of his genetically challenged siblings decides to take the same plunge one of these days. In addition, we hired a critter controller, the only one in town, to come and seal all of the openings and inlets from outside the entire building - the total cost, $3000!

Not sure who was dumber here – the squirrel or the Multi Processors!

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