THE FABRICATION OF TEARS!

This blog was originally posted on my other blog page - http://r-sharma.sulekha.com/blog/posts.htm

 

THE FABRICATION OF TEARS!

Feb 18 2009

Sobbing on cue is a highly refined art.
In my previous blog “READY..SET..CRY - TEARS OF SORROW”, we discussed the sympathy invoking quality of bona fide tears. Some expert lamenters may not always appear to have a sensible justification for their unpredictable wailing, but closer examination reveals profound premeditation behind every factitious teardrop. In the same context, I also explained how some perfectly healthy and mentally stable humans could not produce tears, unless they witnessed a cogent tragedy unfolding in front of them! You may belong to this group of parched & desiccated humans who might be missing all the advantages that come with shedding tears at will! Weeping is a breeze if only you learn the techniques along with the benefits of tear production. Tricking people with tears is so easy, only a fool would not even try to cry!

Fabricated tears must have an agenda. To wipe or not to wipe is the next question!
The answer depends on how perceptive you are and how badly you want to accomplish your goals! In my opinion, contrived tears must be left untouched until the final goal has been reached!

In this blog, I will try to discuss various ways of producing eye drops, (or at least pretending to sob) and advertising them for maximum publicity. Tear-à-tickle Analysis is a valid subject that I hope will be taught in colleges one day. Until then, we are on our own. Let us start with the assumption that you are an emotionless person who can only manage to produce a few droplets under duress.

Let us put those frugal tears to prudent use!

* Say you are a contestant in one of those universally televised beauty pageants, and you have just been crowned the winner! If you are a male contestant, no one pays any attention to you anyway. Whether your contest is televised or not, you can do the following — Inflate your chest muscles and grin shamelessly as they place the crown and sash on your imposing frame. Take a cougar’s swagger down the victory ramp, and you are done!

However, if you are a female beauty contestant who has just been declared the winner, there is an age-old, time-honored set of customary rules to follow during the actual crowning ceremony. First, you should appear to be thoroughly surprised, even if you had already sensed that your runner-up just lost the first place by giving the most immature answer to one of those highly intelligent questions by the judges such as, “if you were on Venus, how would you improve the lives of female aliens living there?” Your runner-up may have blurted out an asinine answer such as, “There are no aliens on Venus!” Just contain your excitement and pretend not to have sensed your own victory. As soon as they announce your name as the winner, open your eyes and mouth wide (without revealing your dental fillings). While the other girls are working feverishly to fix that silly crown on your head, lift your palms up to cover your face and eyes! There is a reason for it! Behind your hands, try to generate some teardrops as fast as you can. Any amount helps! I understand that you are extremely thrilled and would actually like to let out a loud guffaw and thump your fist on your chest to mock those losers next to you. But you would be considered an inconsiderate cackling witch if you ever did that! Contort your pretty face until it gets sufficiently grotesque. Unless you produce the minimal amount of tears required to smudge your black mascara all over your face, chances are that you may have broken that customary “weep after you sweep the crown” routine!

* Say you are an ill-tempered bully in your family who does not know how to get along with your “loved” ones. Say your beloved Aunt Sally is departing back to her hometown after an extensive stay in your home, during which time you made several insensitive and jealous comments to hurt her feelings deliberately. The final day has arrived, and it is time for you to drop her off at the airport. Suddenly your conscience starts to jab at your heart! You realize that your ‘beloved Aunty’ will be gone for good! Do not lose hope! I am sure you can muster a teardrop or two at the nick of time inside the airport lounge! If you cannot generate enough tears to cause a stream, simply turn your face to a light source and allow the drops stuck on your eye-line to glisten. Make sure not to blink until Aunt Sally gets a good look at your treasured droplets. Keep staring at her like a stunned animal and follow her every move with your wet eyeballs. Hopefully Aunty realizes your sudden change of heart and gives you a sympathetic pat, or even better, a hug! If she ignores your precious tears, then you are in deep trouble! A little bit of introspection may help relieve your pain.

* Say you are a priest who has just broken the trust of your congregation. Let us also add child molestation and financial misappropriations to the list of charges. Your day of atonement in front of your devoted congregation has arrived! You do not have an ounce of shame or embarrassment about what you have done. So you do not know where to begin, or how to extricate yourself from the quandary. Now you have been forced to appear in front of the crowd eagerly waiting for retribution and bloodshed!

Shed some tears instead! The miraculous effects of tears on even the most aggressive of mobs will amaze you! If your outrageous sins fail to induce those tears of guilt, then at least dwell on your current pathetic predicament! You have been caught! Your sorry plight is sure to bring out tears of self-pity, if not due to repentance or remorse! Face the crowd of devotees and parishioners boldly and raise your face upwards, as if glancing towards God himself. The idea is to let those high-wattage ceiling lights to reflect off the tears pouring down your face. Reporters with TV cameras will be taking close-ups of your face.

Mutter some emotionally charged words like, “Oh Lord, forgive thy son! I have sinned! I have betrayed all those who have trusted me. I do not want to whitewash my sin…...yeah, wash may be….with tears…, but I am as honest as I have always been!”

For years, you have trained that crowd of parishioners to forgive and forget everyone’s transgressions! Reconciliation flows through their blood, just as insincerity flows through your tears. They will exonerate you in no time. You may even be reinstated to your lofty pedestal of priesthood! Holy moly!

* Same trick is applicable if you are a politician who has just been entrapped in a corruption scandal, only to be outdone by your own infidelity scandal! To make matters worse, you have cheated on your devoted spouse of 32 years! You are now forced by your own political party of hypocrites to make a speech of contrition. Try an idea that has been tested and proven by scores of your debauched predecessors. Politicians swear by the effectiveness of the following shenanigan—

Call for an impromptu press conference. Convince your wife, however shocked and embarrassed she may be, to accompany you to that podium in front of hundreds of cameras from the international press. Force her to stand very close to you, holding your icky hands. Tilt your head slightly towards her….body language should always display compatibility. Look into her sad eyes, if possible, and then declare to the whole world, that you have “nobody to blame, but yourself”! (Duh!) In your case, tears may be very hard to manufacture, which is understandable considering that only soulless individuals become successful politicians. Simply continue to peer into her eyes and pout your lower lips ever so slightly. The glaring lights will exaggerate your minutest expression. Declare that you and your family have already done some deep soul-searching (even though the FBI only busted you 8 hours ago!). Plead with the nosey reporters to respect your family’s privacy, even though you only care about yourself. Hope and pray that your wife maintains eye contact with you without conveying her wrath or fury! What she does with you back home is your problem!

* Lastly, say you are a famous TV anchor on NBC’s morning show. During the Eight O’clock hour, strangely you shed some somber emotive tears upon reading a (distinctly hilarious) letter from the Bush daughters to the Obama daughters. Now your producer again wants you to repeat the sobbing during the Nine and Ten O’clock hours as well! Silly if you ask me, but you never know what appeals to millions of TV viewers out there! All you have to do is keep a tissue ready during the commercial break. As soon as the camera turns on, just pretend to dab below your eyes. That should be enough to fool the masses into thinking what a caring personality you are! Never miss a chance for self-promotion.

I could go on, but I better stop now. It has been a pleasure making you cry, but I hate watching you cry!

Would you please visit my previous blog “READY..SET..CRY - TEARS OF SORROW”? If you choose to ignore, you may actually drive me to tears! Is that what you really want?

Copyright © 2009 Ranjini Sharma All Rights Reserved