CURTAINING THE MOSQUITO!

This blog was originally posted on my other blog page - http://r-sharma.sulekha.com/blog/posts.htm

 

CURTAINING THE MOSQUITO!

(This blog was showcased in the Featured Blog Entries on Sulekha Blogs on Tue, May 20, 2008!)

This is Part 3 of my series on the subject of Itching, Twitching and Scratching.

Part 1 was titled “A TWITCH IN TIME SAVES AN ITCH!”
Part 2 was titled “MY REUNION WITH THE MOSQUITO!”

You can ingest each part independently without any ill effects. However, I beg and plead with you to not waste Parts 1 and 2 because they were lovingly formulated to provide you some vital nourishment, you poor bitten anemic souls! So, please don’t deny yourselves simple pleasures by starving!

Do, read! It ain’t easy making a living these days concocting humor. You will be supporting a noble cause! Me!

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The Mosquito Net or the Mosquito Curtain is a remarkable work of art in my humble opinion. This canopy of delicate craftsmanship is a sanctuary and a safe haven for those who wish to seek refuge from the plundering ravaging serenading flying beasts called mosquitoes. The curtain’s sole purpose on this planet is to net these invincible insects. In the process, it promotes peaceful slumber around the infested world, particularly in Bangalore where sleep deprived residents do not have the energy to engage in daily aerobics, violence, or bloodshed. Besides, it does not contaminate the air and is environmentally friendly.

In the 1980s, my parents had moved to the outskirts of Bangalore into their brand new home with hopes of getting away from the population explosion and pollution of the bustling metropolis. But they ran smack into a wasteland where nothing went to waste, thanks to massive mosquitoes. Those were particularly vicious insects with commando style training. I had just joined Engineering at that time. Studying 15 subjects simply meant one thing…..I was in a constant state of rest, which appeals to most mosquitoes in constant state of motion.

Engineering Design and Drawing was a tough subject to tackle in particular. Trying to flick mosquitoes while sketching complex machinery results in dysfunctional designs. The perpetual twitching and itching drained my ability to concentrate. Whenever I had to tackle the most intricate part of the drawings, I would hear the familiar buzz next to my ear. If I ignored it, invariably I would receive a bite. If I lifted my freshly sharpened #2 pencil off my drawing sheet to scratch, I never knew where to continue again. Many times, desperation forced me to throw blows around mercilessly with my precious T-Square! It seemed like those mosquitoes worked double-shifts in that neighborhood, and I was determined to deny them their bloody wages. That is when I decided to use the mosquito curtain as my residence within the residence.

My parents innocently supported my idea of erecting a net permanently on their piece of real estate. What started as an escape during the late evenings on college days, quickly turned into a 24 hour incarceration during holidays! I would pile all my books under the net along with an electric fan. Food and drinks were either transported or supplied to the tent. I happily moved my drawing board and T-Square in there too! I wielded that 48 inch tool within the narrow confines of the tent like a Karate player. Never once did I drop it for an emergency itch. If my favorite TV show was coming up, viola, I was in the living room erecting my personal auditorium right on the family sofa! If I had a tough exam on my busy schedule, I was back into my own room with my portable study! The mosquitoes had no chance of getting to me. I was able to establish my portable domicile anywhere in the house, except the bathroom of course! Bathrooms and toilets were not the most favorite places for mosquitoes to hang around, thanks to the overwhelming smell of perfumed soaps or the lingering presence of other unsophisticated odors. Bangalore’s mosquitoes have highly evolved eclectic tastes.

My curtaining skills were nothing short of perfection. With four corners rigidly fastened to posts or anchors on the wall, it was a sight to behold! A proper upright net must not have a single sag or snag. The edges were neatly tucked underneath the mattress sides leaving no room for even a starving thin mosquito to squeeze in through any undiscovered hole. I thought of all possible ambush scenarios and took adequate precautions to defeat their every single pugnacious agenda! I even laid pillows around the border to keep a distance between my elbows and the curtain’s vertical walls. I did not want to inadvertently lend my elbow or arms to be nibbled from the outside, because at any given time of the day, there were families of refugee mosquitoes huddled on the net outside, waiting for me to fumble at least once.

Over the years, my curtain’s color alternated between pink and blue. This was to confuse those among the mosquitoes that were considered connoisseurs with discerning taste and an insatiable craving for gender specific diets. I could see dozens of frustrated and tired helicopters landing and taking off all day long. The working class mosquitoes were exploited for all their worth and they were putting in long hours. Their commanders were probably planning air raids to break down my fortress, but not a chance! If one qualified mosquito was dispatched to spy on my (in)activities under the curtain, I always had my Fluid Mechanics textbook ready to mash the juice out of him by dashing it on his head, which ensured instant death…not that there was a great deal of separation between his head and torso! (I have not met a female spy mosquito yet.) Of course, the result would be a bloody mess on the inner walls of my curtain. Sometimes my curtain would collapse partially due to the impact, but I was unflustered.

I celebrated the death of each one of them bugs with the cackle of an evil witch waiting for the next stubborn mosquito to fall into her cauldron. I never directly touched those mucky buggers because I abhor blood on one’s hands, especially mine. Once in a while, a highly agile mosquito was able to escape the ricocheted book from colliding with his slender body by lodging himself safely in one corner of the net. That brave mosquito would then be awarded my special punishment called the “Mushquito” treatment. For this to be properly rendered, I had to emerge from my curtain, which was a rare event in itself, and I would approach the mosquito’s resting place from the outside looking in. Other mosquitoes considered this as a sign of distinction and honor. They would stand aside and watch in hushed horror. Then, taking the two walls of the curtain in the palms of my hand, I would crush the mosquito to mush! I did not particularly enjoy this form of cruel and unusual punishment because it was essentially a double-edged sword. Cleaning this crime scene meant washing the curtain soon, which invariably denied me my habitat for 2 whole days until it dried. During summer however, residing under a wet curtain was a treat!

Every time there was a power cut, I would light up a candle or the kerosene lamp, if we had run out of batteries for the electric flashlight. The inflamed device would then ceremoniously enter my inflammable cotton or synthetic curtain without fear of fire or carbon monoxide poisoning! Such was my determination to keep my meager supply of the red vital sap to myself and deny the flying suckers their daily blood. But, I was not happy with my self-imposed incarceration. I wanted to be free to roam around the house without fear of persistent persecution by puny pests. I always had a penchant for innovative ideas. However, there was one crazy design that I fantasized for years. I called it the “Full-body Bridal Veil”. Being a Hindu girl, it was strange that I loved the Christian bride’s veil. Its mosquito curtain-like texture was what attracted me the most! Of course, visibility was an added attraction with netted fabrics. A Hindu bride’s Dharmavaram veil just couldn’t match with the gossamer airy quality of the Christian bride’s veil. What’s more; I wanted to wear it all day and I used to imagine myself going about the house, doing chores, studying wherever I wanted without having to set up a tent everywhere I went! Mosquitoes would have definitely declined blood from a bride who looked like this all day!

Cartoon By Ranjini Sharma

This idea, sadly, never became a reality due to insufficient time and resources. So I spent many years under the standard rectangular mosquito net—come heat or cold, power-cut or water-shortage, flies or guests etc. Speaking of guests, I would always emerge out of my abode for a brief moment, smile at them, exchange greetings hurriedly, and then hunker down in my tent. There was always a good excuse to escape, such as an upcoming test or an incomplete project. My escape kept me away from boring chit-chat as well. I could never understand how all other mortals could sit calmly around the living room jabbering while getting jabbed by that many mosquitoes!

When I finally completed my studies and emerged out of my protective cocoon, my parents recognized me as that mystical creature they had spotted at times, rushing from the kitchen to the bathroom like a fox chased by a bee! They had a homecoming party to celebrate that momentous occasion, even though I had never left their home!

Eventually, I got a job and immigrated to that part of America where I was able to peacefully coexist with plenty of other distinguished insects without the gustatory harassment by that discriminating bloodsucker called the Mosquito!

As I mentioned in my first blog, I have pickled a few more of my incredibly scratchy essays on the topic of Itching and Twitching. Hope to sooth your irritated membranes with my stories.

Part 1 was titled “A TWITCH IN TIME SAVES AN ITCH!”

Part 2 was titled “MY REUNION WITH THE MOSQUITO!”

Copyright © 2008 Ranjini Sharma All Rights Reserved