FROM POPPY TO MR. OBAMA

 This blog was originally posted on my other blog page - http://r-sharma.sulekha.com/blog/posts.htm

FROM POPPY TO MR. OBAMA

Nov 18 2008

Dear President-Elect Obama,

Nah! Since Mom has promised to mail this letter to the White House after your January inauguration, let me refer to you directly….

Dear President Obama, You may not know me, although I wonder how you could have missed me! I was the one relaxing on my Daddy's comfy sofa in front of the TV all through this year, while you were busy blaring your campaign speeches at me!

Coming to the point, my name is Sharma.....Poppy Sharma. If you think it sounds seedy, let me remind you that President Bush's Daddy's nickname was also Poppy! Let me also point out that my last name Sharma rhymes with Obama...so there! I am named after my luxurious coat, which is similarly colored to the American Poppy seeds with a blend of Grey, Black, and White spilled all over. My Mom was speculating on a suitable name for me one evening as she was searching through her spice rack while making dinner!
"Poppy shall be your name," she declared, turning to her cute baby, that's me, who was eagerly waiting with wide eyes and ears to be christened over the kitchen counter behind a dozen other spices. The name stuck!

Sorry, I digressed.

Did I mention I am a cat...an adorable one at that? Why would a house cat write to the leader of the free world?

I call it "The Audacity of Hope for Rejected Cats"!

Mr. Obama, you broke my heart on election night when you promised your darling young daughters that they, quote, have earned their new puppy, unquote! Normally I do not listen to campaign speeches very keenly, particularly when I am in the middle of my beauty sleeps. But the mere mention of the word 'puppy' in your acceptance speech jarred me awake that night! You have not only embraced the vilest of domesticated pets, you have, in one sentence, condemned the entire Feline family to obscurity! Oh, the shame, the utter indignity we kitties have to endure! Sure, we seem self-centered most of the times, and we are somewhat frugal in dispensing our limited stock of affection, but that’s only because we are staunch conservatives who believe that too much endearment can add to global warming! It doesn't mean that we do not care for our extended family of (featherbrained) humans! Take one look at my symmetric feline facial features and tell me if you have met any dog cuter than me!

I cannot believe that even after your rival Mr. John McCain unleashed his attack dog, Ms. Sarah Palin, loose on you for two whole months, you are still courting the idea of adopting a dog! She practically drooled over the thought of occupying the White House one day! Moreover, Sarah Palin is not even half as shrewd as me! Fortunately, her running mate John McCain was too old to run and you won the race!

Puppy indeed!
Because of this gross oversight, I have taken the responsibility on behalf of all illiterate cats to introduce myself to you, and to charm you into believing that cats are in fact the rightful heirs to the White House title - 'The First Pet'.

My Mom likes to claim that she is an avid blogger on this Indian blog site called Sulekha, when in reality she has very little time to blog. In order to keep her viewership up, she has trained me to pussyfoot on the keyboard and produce blogs on her behalf. During this last year, I have churned out literary master pieces on catchy topics like mosquitoes, itching, scratching and a few paw-licking recipes on Sulekha. Because of this intensive training, I am able to pound this letter to you simply by moseying on my keyboard while tormenting this mouse.

Let me discuss my list of attributes as I introduce myself to you. If you like what you read, I am confident that you and Mrs. Obama will adopt a cat in a jiffy!

Orphan Kitty Adoption: This is a fairly simple process. All you have to do is visit any kitty shelter in Washington DC. Leave the rest to savvy kitties and their magnetic charm! Six years ago, I was a two-month old orphan when my Mom (the two-legged one, i.e.) arrived at my animal shelter with her two-footed son. They were inspecting other kittens in cages. To allure them over to my cage, all I had to do was to push my paw through the wires and pull off the official nametag with my retractable claws. It’s amazing how this lone act of mine was enough to melt the hearts of those two unsuspecting cat-lovers! In a minute, I was pulled out of the cage by the custodian and introduced to my future Mom and brother. They were captivated as I crawled over their shoulders and tickled their nostrils with my whiskers. The next minute, adoption papers were signed and I was shipped off for my vaccinations—yes, the nurses poked and prodded every aperture in my body until I was immunized to every manmade disease imaginable! In the meantime, my new Mom was required to raise her right hand and take an oath in front of a sheriff, promising never to let me out of her house! That rule sucks! But hey, no hard feelings!

Feline Toilet Training: If you adopt a cat instead of a dog, you never have to interrupt your daily White House briefings to walk your pet with a leash for that compulsory Exercising-While-Peeing-On-Fire-Hydrant routine. On the other hand, if you accidentally locked a cat overnight in your Oval Office, your oval carpet will continue to retain the smells of all the 43 ex-Presidents intact! To give you an example—I was brought home with great pomp and show from the shelter on the day I was adopted! Little did I know that my Mom had forgotten to keep a litter box ready for me! She did not even know what kitty litter was, and could not imagine that a furry bundle like me would like to take a dainty leak occasionally! So, I threatened to poo…I’ve got to use my executive language here….I mean defecate by ‘pretending’ to set my rear on her spotless sofa. That’s when she panicked and went shopping to purchase my toiletries. I waited for hours and hours holding on to my tiny bladder, not wanting to betray my new family’s trust by percolating everywhere. I could have technically gone bonkers and sprayed in all the rooms of my new home, but no! Tabbies like myself are highly refined and sophisticated. Mom arrived 4 hours later from Walmart with a large container that looked like a coffin and set a tray with kitty litter spread inside. As soon as she set my furry posterior in, I relieved myself for what seemed like eternity! There's an elegant cat for you!

Beauty and Charm: Cats have been seducing humans for centuries with the mere flick of a paw or a lick with that pink tongue! Mr. Obama, let me make a deal with you—since I cannot guarantee that any other tabby will be as beautiful as me, please feel free to invite me, Poppy Sharma, over to the White House for just one month. My parents can work out this sweet arrangement with you since it is my patriotic duty to help my President in this hour of petty needs.

I am quite a charmer, and by the time I am done displaying my feline wares at your First House, you will veto every bill in sight just to be with me! Marketing myself to the Sharmas was not an easy task since my life depended on it! Cats are supposed to come equipped with “nine lives,” but I somehow exhausted at least eight of them in quick succession! In one month, I had gotten myself into series of catastrophic calamities that were enough to have me de-clawed and de-adopted, if not for my Mom's crush over me! My naughty resume at that time looked something like this:
*Snagged a claw behind hot refrigerator!
*Hung precariously from a curtain rod, only to discover that the nearest piece of flat land was 20 feet below!
*Chased a large cat around the block, until both of our directions reversed by 180 degrees!
*Dangled myself with my collar from a hook until I dropped down naked, i.e., no more collar. It’s funny how one thin neck collar alone can dress or undress pets!
*Disobeyed Mom, jumped over the fence to chase a black cat, got lost in Coyote land for several minutes, only to be found by Mom, cowering under a bush. Mom tried to grab, but deranged kitty scratched his own Mama’s arm bloody, after which she brought me back home by my scruff and whacked my disobedient tooshie, which I dodged successfully due to my tremendous speed and agility! Nowadays, Mom takes me out only with a leash….I may be the only cat in this city who is walked with a leash!

Amazingly, to make up for my indiscretions, all I had to do was purr and meow my Mom into believing that she was at fault for accidentally leaving the backdoor open! Moms can be such naïve simpletons!

If I have persuaded you with this convincing piece of Kitt-Lit, it shows how a learned cat like me can change the mind this country’s first Black President, who won a historic election to the White House from the same state as Abraham Lincoln! Here’s what I will do for you, since I am ready and able to hold the offices of kitty cabinet from Day 1:

*Upon arriving at the White House on Air Force One, (which I assume is going to be the mode of transportation for the First Pet, albeit a temporary pet), I shall get to work immediately to clear entire 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue of any pesky rats that may be equipped with Russian spy cameras!

*Then, I shall aspire for nothing less than to sleep in that famous Lincoln bedroom for my 18-hour siestas. This will be followed by 3 hours of intense self-grooming, since I believe in putting my best salivated paw forward at all times.

The picture below proves that I am the legendary naturally-tuxedoed Mackerel Tabby! See the "M" on my forehead! One of my ancestors supposedly kept Baby Jesus warm, although I personally like to keep myself warm before catering to others’ needs.

As you can see below, I also look amazing on my Mom’s lawn!

I would have looked taller, if only my Dad had mowed the lawn!

Therefore, 2 hours of my day will be spent on White House lawns, providing ample photo-ops to your esteemed WH Press. I hear they have nothing better to do most of the year! The First Family’s mutual admiration club meetings will have to be crammed into the remaining 1 hour in the middle of the night, during which time you and Mrs. Obama along with your two girls shall be allowed to pet my head, strictly limiting your hand movements between my ears, never to venture below my shoulder blades at all times. To this act of affection, I shall reciprocate miserly with a tender caress using all 24 whiskers, accompanied by a constant vibrating purr, to which you will respond with an adequate “Oooh” and “Awww”, both not to exceed 30 seconds each.

*My chow time can be demanding since I am finicky about specific flavors. Sure, we kitties have never seen an ocean or a river for generations, but our taste buds crave for nothing but the best freshwater Salmon and the moistest Ocean Whitefish Tuna Entrées. My Mom, who happens to be a vegetarian (no wonder she lacks brawn…or is it the brain?), spends at least an hour down on her knees in the Pet aisle, searching for those exact flavors requested by me! Please instruct your White House Chef to prepare pâtés of my choice and serve them on crystal pedestals.

*As a bonus, I promise to defend you from those VIP Heads of States coming from any of the Axis-of-Evil nations or other rogue countries. In the blink of an eye (assuming you can blink like Ms. Palin), I will charge at their expensive Dolce Gabbana shoes from underneath the conference table at 200 miles/hour, and then immediately bolt back to my plush bed! This unprovoked attack combined with uncalled-for intimidation from a menacing kitty should keep them wincing in sheer fear and succumb to all your demands!

At the end of my term, I demand that you send me back to Mama Sharma’s in a Presidential limousine, followed closely by your famous secret service motorcade. Come to think of it, I believe I am entitled to a lifetime of security since I will be known as the Ex-First Pet! That should keep my neighbor’s Rottweiler at bay!

I hope this humble, down-to-earth, modest, unassuming cat has proselytized you into worshipping felines forever, and I hope you have been sufficiently brainwashed into believing that dogs have no place whatsoever in the Obama White House.

Your Audaciously Hopeful Kitty,

Poppy Sharma

Meow! Please check my other imposing portraits taken by my adoring fans below:

1. Adorable Acrobat doing the California-style sunbathing on stairs!

2. The Nimble Twinkle-pawed Dancer!

Copyright © 2008 Ranjini Sharma All Rights Reserved